Just seeing if something works

It's been awhile......

Haven't written anything in a long time... almost 2 months. Not what I intended when I started doing this. Lot of things been going on.. none I really want to talk about right now..

So this is going to be a happy blog post.  The past 2 days, my life has been involving a lot more interaction with small kids.  I live with 3 of my grand kids, with one more on the way.  About 3:15 am Wednesday morning Mady was trying to knock on my bedroom door with her hands full.. She had her Duckie, her new Pooh Bear and 2 cups.  She was convinced she had ants in her bad and that one of the cups was full of ants.  And she wanted to sleep on my floor.  I took the cups from her hands, and asked her which one had the ants... and then I opened it to show her there were no ants.. and took her back to her bed to check for no ants.  There were no ants but she still insisted on sleeping on my floor so I gathered up her comforter and pillows, made her a little bed on my floor.... and she slept there till about 7:30 am.  Now you may be asking. so why is this so worth posting about??  Well Mady's room is right next to her mommy & daddy's room... and normally she gets one of them, usually her daddy when she wakes up from bad dreams..and lately Mady has been wanting to do things like Grandma Sheri....she wants what I have for lunch.. for snack....she even wants to move her bed into my room so she can have a room like me.  And to think when I first moved in with them all, in August of 2009, she didn't want anything to do with me, and for some strange reason she called  me "Joey"

We also have been having the pleasure of keeping the little boy from across the street, Kyle ... which is really good! He's about 6 weeks old, and we (Amy & I) are learning what we still need before Gavyn arrives in a few weeks... and how to multi-task with a baby.  I'm a little more out of practice than Amy.. it's been over 20 years since I took care of a baby... and things sure have change!!  I didn't have even half the things that she has that makes it easier. And I didn't have a laptop either.. only a large very slow (but fast for the time) PC.  And I couldn't be happier learning to do all this over again!  I loved being a stay-at-home mom when my kids were little, and I'm loving the fact that I will be with this new grand child from day one!

Amy's best friend down here had her first child, Ayden, this past Monday.  And I will get to spend time with that one, and spoil him just a little as well!!  My life is getting full of little babies and I love it!!!  I  have always loved having a baby around.  I just need to learn how to type with one hand, how to rock a bouncy chair with my foot and a bunch of other things I have forgotten how to do. 

But life could not be better than being surrounded by God's miracles!! 

Dating .. over 50...

... just plain sucks!!  lol.  It's Valentine's Day, so what better time to talk about dating, and relationships, and being over 50.  I was divorced before I was 40... and dating wasn't to bad at that point... I was working.. I was going out with friends to a bar we hung out at... and I was meeting some great guys.  Then, about when I had really given up on finding a relationship... I fell into one.. and for 7 years.. it was great!  I really thought this is where I will be for the rest of my life.. and then almost as suddenly as I fell into it, I fell out.  He didn't want the responsibility of a relationship anymore.. done.  So I re-grouped, decided that I would "fall" into a relationship again.. only this time, now that I'm over 50.. it seems harder.  I'm not working, so it's hard to meet people.  I live with my daughter, and her family.... on a military base.  I don't do the bar scene anymore.. I'm just too old for it. And it seems that the men my age, that aren't in a relationship, are either to badly burned from past relationships and women who lied, cheated, or used them... or they too don't want the responsibility of a relationship... they only want to meet up... jump into bed... and call the next time they have an itch.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I've enjoyed those types of relationships in the past.. they really do fulfill a need... but after awhile, I'm finding it's just not working for me anymore. 

I have a friend, we've never met, we only communicate through their blog, and emails.  And they have been very helpful in me finding out just who I am... actually who I was along, and why, I am no longer willing to lower my standards, or lower the bar in how I want to be treated.  There is a line, from a recording they did, that goes like this....

Mothers, songs preach that without forever you are just being used.  But there is something much worse. It's much worse to find something important that goes to waste because you're not being used at all. 

I feel like I'm not being used at all, but then again.. I don't want to be used... I want to be loved for me... I want to be wanted.. not needed.   I'm not a "type" of woman.  I am unique... I've been told that.  And I also know that a lot of women say they aren't like others.  And while I can't speak for them, for me, it's true.  I don't like shopping... I don't like shoes.  I like auto racing, dirt tracks, crime shows, Mythbusters, Ghost Hunters.  I don't like "reality" shows, don't like Grey's Anatomy, or any show that if you miss the first episode of the first year, you are pretty much... Lost.  When I love, I give all... unconditionally.  I don't expect anything in return, other than to be loved, for me.. to be accepted for me.  Don't try to change me or "fix" me.  I'm not broken... I like who I am, where I am, and how my life is going.  And there is still room in it for someone.....

Downsizing...

I've been downsizing for a while now... I moved from a 1200 sq ft apartment, to a 510 sq ft apartment, to my room in my daughter's house.  And with all the downsizing, I have gotten rid of things that wouldn't fit, that I didn't really need. But there is one thing that I haven't gotten rid of, and until recently had never EVER thought I would get rid of.  My bed!  I have a California King bed, that has 6 drawers under it, is a four poster bed that I love.  The bed is about 24 yrs old.. and so is the mattress.  The bed holds about 14 pillows, my laptop, another bed tray, an assortment of stuffed animals.. and lots of memories, some bad, but more good ones than bad.  But the bed is BIG, it takes up a lot of room, it's getting harder for me to make, and I only sleep on a twin size portion of it.  I've got a memory foam pad on top of it, and that is where I sleep.  I really don't need that big of a bed.. it's just me sleeping in it... sometimes a grand child will climb in, but we all fit on the twin size part of the bed.  Sheets for it are hard to find.. I'm picky.. they must be purple... and they are expensive.  I need a new comforter for it, and the only I really like, yes.. it's purple, doesn't come in the right size... you guessed.. it comes in twin!  And add to that, my 2 grand daughters are getting new beds soon, nice little loft beds, and the twin size bed that my oldest grand daughter sleeps in, is a very nice bed.  Has a nice black frame, that my wonderful son-in-law says he will paint, yup, purple for me.  And I can have a bed skirt!  I've always wanted a bedskirt, but with this having drawers, couldn't do it.  I will have to give up some pillows, and I'm gonna gain a lot of room in here.  So why, am I having such a hard time letting go of huge, bulky, wonderful, comforting, my little piece of heaven?

Want or Need

I use to do a lot of writing.. mainly when I was in high school... (I don't think I'm that unusual.. .I think a lot of girls write things in high school) I had a binder of my writings, somewhere, but through the years, and moves, and boxes packed and unpacked and packed again, the binder is lost.  But the urge to write things down has returned, (duh.. you are saying.. why else would you be writing a blog if not for that! lol ).. Here is something that has been rumbling around in my brain till I wrote it down:

I don't want you to need me.  Needing is selfish, smothering, and dull.  Needs are things you have to have, air, food,shelter.  The daily stuff.  I want  you to want me.  Wanting is dreams, promises, rainbows.  Wanting is a good piece of chocolate that you slowly eat and savory the creamy texture as it slides down your throat. Wanting is anticipation of getting the very thing you have been dreaming of all day.  Please don't tell me that you need me.  I have people all day needing me, tearing me in little pieces, not leaving much of me  at the end of the day.  Please just tell me you want me.  You want me to be by your side as the fire crackles and the warmth starts putting the pieces back together.  You want me in the shower, to wash away all the days needs off of me, leaving me to want you to rub the rough edges of the glue that we used to put me back together.  Tell me you want me, just simply want me.

It took me awhile to really figure out the difference between wanting and needing.  I think I'm at the point in my life where I don't want a man to "need" me.  Instead I want him to want me, to desire me, heck, maybe even crave me.  

Fibromyalgia

 I read this blog a few days back, and I really think it's worth sharing.  Living with fibro is not easy, living with someone who has it, is even harder.  I've been lucky to be able to live with my daughter (who has fibro), my son-in-law and the kids since shortly after being diagnosed.   In fact, it was the persistence of my SIL, Shawn, to find out what was going on with his wife, that led me to being diagnosed.  

Relationships, Divorce, and Dating—With FM « Fibromyalgia – Fibro Blog

After reading this, I've  started to change my way of thinking about my day, and my life in general.  On most days, it's really not a big deal.. I can do most anything I want.  But, on those other days, if I get out of bed, that's a big deal, and if I do nothing more than that, then I'm happy.  I use to push myself, only to end up having more and more bad days in a row than good.   I'm trying to learn to pace myself, not always an easy thing to do because this little voice in the back of my mind pipes up and starts telling me how worthless I am for not having gotten more done, for being a whimp... that I should just force myself to do everything that needs to be done.  This week has been one of those "bad" weeks.. lots of stress, fighting a cold.. and finally I had to listen to the screaming in my head to simply stop.   Today I got up, sat at my beading desk for a good portion of the day, (didn't get any beading done)... kept an eye on my 3 yr old grand daughter, and now.. me and my laptop are in bed... and I only feel a little guilty about it.  Tomorrow... well I'll worry about that when I awake again... my plans for the day... right now... get out of bed... the rest is just icing right now. 

Welcome

I have finally done it... I've started blogging.  Not sure what I'm going to do with this... most likely will just post ramblings from my 50+ yr old brain, some jewelry designs, some writings, things about my grand kids... you know.. life..

A little about me.  I'm 52 yrs old, divorced, living with my daughter, her husband, 3 kids under 7, and a baby due in May.  We live in the pan handle of Florida, on Tyndall AFB.  Out my bedroom window I can see the bay, the marina is a very short walk from here.  I don't not work outside the home, I working on getting disability.  I have what they call "invisible" illnesses... asthma, fibromyalgia, arthritis, vertigo, anxiety, panic attacks... ok.. that's enough... lets just leave it at.. I'm a mess!  

I love my life, I love where I am, and I don't want to change it.  I have no regrets about the things that have happened in my life, because without all of it.. I would not be the person I am now, or where I'm at.  It's not been an easy life, but it's not been as hard as a lot of others have had.  I am not a religious person, but I am spiritual.   I don't believe in religion, but I do believe in God, and Jesus as my Savior.  I pray often, and when I say, I'll pray for you, I do it, right then, and later.

So this is the first step of what might be an interesting adventure.  Thank you for reading this far.  Please feel free to leave comments, ask questions, tell me a story or a joke (please keep it fairly clean... )... I don't mind criticism, but please do it gently.  I don't judge people, and I expect the same in return.  I've not lived in your shoes, I don't know what your life has been like, but I will listen and offer you as many cyber hugs as I can.

Ok.. enough for now, time to check on the youngest grand child, and to actually submit this and publish it so that I can't back out.  lol.... I don't know how often I will write... not going to make any promises about it.. life is just way to unpredictable for that...